Caterpillar to Butterfly

A few weeks ago, a friend and I had the same thought at the same time that I’m like a caterpillar in the process of becoming a butterfly and working her way out of a cocoon. How freaking awesome given that my words of the year ended up being “light” and “fly”? 

But before I go on, let me backtrack to 1.5 months ago…

How is it that someone like me…someone who is in a happy marriage, has two beautiful children, a supportive family, a successful career, and plenty of time for hobbies…how is it that I can find myself curled up in a bed feeling like so forlorn? I knew the feeling would pass. But it just feels so damn desolate and lonely when I am in it.

I don’t always share when I am in this space of sadness. Or I will use vague terminology like “things are hard” or “I’m really struggling” and then stick to myself. My bubbly disposition disappears. I disappear. I don’t want pity from my friends or family. I don’t want to bother them or make them worry even though I desperately want support.

So how is it that I have not yet figured out in my 48 years of life how it even happens that I get to this place where I’ve lost my mental fortitude? My essence? My mojo? My everything is figureoutable attitude?

I don’t yet know the answer. But, damn, after these past few weeks, I sure am a bit closer to figuring it out! And I’m so freaking stoked. One book, one Instagram account, a second book, and many many many conversations later with a couple of family members and several friends who have ADHD and I finally feel like I have some answers. 

I have spent my whole life trying to understand behavior and behavior change. I majored in psychology. Studied drugs…and how they related to the brain and behavior. Even took a class called Drugs, Brain, Behavior. It was my enthusiasm around this class that got my sister interested in becoming a pharmacist. Then I became a pharmacist to learn more. Though this came later. After job, marriage numero uno , and two kids. Read tons of books on and listened to innumerable podcasts on behavior and habit change and neuroscience. 

I know now that all my fascination with behavior change was a coping mechanism to figure out how to get myself to do the things that needed to be done in life. Basic self care. An education. A second education. Climbing out of massive debt. Caring for my health. So many years went by where my hypothyroidism was not controlled or I didn’t even take any medication at all - like years people - and when I was pregnant and a new mom. Talk about exhausting!!!

Now a whole new world has opened up for me where I can understand why some things are just harder for me instead of beating myself up for them. Oh my goodness! I CAN DO hard things. I like a challenge when it’s one that I have some confidence in my ability to be able to meet. I just needed to know WHY these things are hard and have access to tools to help.

And now I do, my friends!!! Now I fucking do. :)

Knowledge is power. And I finally feel like I have some.