I grappled a lot with the idea of skipping this week’s blog post. It’s Christmas week, my son’s 25th birthday week and a time for celebratory moments. But I said that I would share as long as I’m comfortable doing so. I hope that by my being vulnerable, it will allow all of you, my dear readers, to consider doing the same in your lives...
…The funny thing about depression is it can sneak up on us when we least expect it. When I’m sad, I easily share about our common struggles in life. We can bond over our shared challenges and lift each other up through connection and camaraderie. I talk with friends and loved ones about the hard things. I complain about things that are bothering me. I share sarcastic jokes. But when I’m in that really dark place where I feel completely hopeless and alone, I hide. I did a lot of hiding this week. And I’ve gotten to where I can hide in wide open spaces and no one is the wiser. No one knows unless I choose to let it be seen. And once I let it be seen, it all comes crashing down like an avalanche gaining both size and power as it travels.
The kind of anguish I felt at times this week penetrated deep down into my bones the way one’s body aches with the flu. It was inescapable in the same way that one can’t get warm during the chilling cold sweats of a high fever. It felt like a straight jacket confining me while my soul just wanted to scream and run and fight. And once the screaming and running and fighting was done, it felt like defeat, exhaustion, loss and profound hopelessness.
I have so much shame and anger around the fact that I’ve battled these faceless, voiceless, dark demons in my mind off and on for years. Every time I think I have figured out the secret to happiness and the methods for beating them down to a pulp with a stick, they come back cloaked in minor annoyances or irritabilities revealing their true selves only after I am stuck deep within their cyclone of pain and chaos. Once I’m in this state, all visibility is lost and the only thing left for me to do is to fall to the ground and wait out the storm.
If you have never felt what this is like, you are lucky. And your loved ones are lucky too. It’s all consuming and so incredibly hard for loved ones to know what to do. Usually the only thing one can do is to sit and hold space for the person to allow time and room for the pain, anger, and despair inside them to figure out how to find their way out.
There are many skills I have learned over the years to manage this. There are many I’m still learning. The most important one for me to remember and the hardest as well is that this is not something I am choosing. I do not choose to feel helpless and hopeless. I do not choose to want to drop to the ground and curl up in the fetal position wherever I happen to be. I am, however, choosing to try to approach these times with curiosity and compassion instead of shame and anger when I am once again able to do so. Goddamn, this is a hard thing to do.
When I was little, my mom told me that I can choose to be happy. This was a very hard thing for a little girl who had no idea how to make herself happy to hear. It did give me a small sense of hope in that one day I would figure out how to do this but “synthesized happiness” as it is called is a nuanced thing. We can’t just click our heels and close our eyes and say “there’s no place like home” in order to escape the nightmare. Happiness does not exist in a vacuum. It is highly environmentally dependent. (Listen to the podcast I mention below from The Huberman Lab for more on creating your own “synthetic happiness”.)
One thing I observed while I was going through all of this…I had gone through a period of sadness, which was then followed by anger. Anger at being sad. Anger at not knowing what to do or how to turn things around. In this moment, we had a few flies that had gotten in our home and I was frantically looking for our electric fly swatter. If I wanted to take my anger out on something, what better thing than a few flies, right?
I very quickly got fed up with looking for the damn fly swatter that I decided to try to swat it with my hand instead. I slammed my hand on top of the fly on the island so hard I killed it before it ever saw me coming. I’ve never ever done that before in my life. And believe me, I’ve tried. I then proceeded to do it twice more. The sheer fact that I did this stopped me in my tracks. It was the break in the rainstorm for which I had been searching. I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all. The pointless and also very valid feelings I was having. The fact that nothing matters and everything matters all at the same time. The fact that there is no meaning in life except that which we decide we want to give meaning to. The importance of connection and the man standing in front of me trying his best to help bring me back to center.
I don’t fully understand the neurochemistry behind these emotions. But I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that my body was pumped with adrenaline in that moment. I honestly prefer anger as an emotion over despair. I can DO something with anger. I can use it to fuel a workout or to take action. Despair just leaves me like a pile of mud on the ground left over from the storm - floppy and useless.
I know the mechanisms of action of antidepressants and yet I choose not to take any. Part of my challenge in life has been to handle these emotions when they arise without the use of medications. As a pharmacist, I know better than most the side effects that come with using certain medications and these side effects are not ones I’m willing to deal with. I don’t want a drug blunting who I am. Who I am on most days is a beautiful, smart, talented, loving, energetic, and passionate human being. I don’t want any of that side of Rebecca to be blunted. That is not to say that I have any issues with others using these medications. They are life saving in many cases and I realize that choosing not to take them requires more work for me. More work to synthesize happiness in times when I’m unable to see beyond the black out curtains in front of my eyes. My issues with depression have fortunately been mild to moderate in nature. And I’m willing to put in this work despite how hard it can sometimes be.
Since we are on the topic of medications and this is a blog update about my bodybuilding journey, I’ll just address right now that I’m not on nor will I ever be on performance enhancing drugs. (I’m sure you can tell right now, but you never know who might think this once I become the She-ra Princess of Power y’all are waiting for me to become. Ya, that’s from He-Man…I’m old) Anyhoo, life and emotions are hard enough without adding those to the mix.
On a related note, many choose to blunt their emotions with alcohol. I’m going to be perfectly honest here and say that in the short term, it is really freaking handy. Alcohol is an amazingly effective chemical for disassociating from feelings and from life in the short term. I’m not an alcoholic but I often use alcohol much in the same way that the majority of our society uses it whether we like to admit it or not. And boy imma tell you. I REALLY missed alcohol this week. But there is no place in my life for alcohol right now, so it just was not an option.
Part of my reason for going on this journey is to finally learn how to deal with some hard shit without the use of chemicals. It is my goal to use all the tools I have available to me to not just survive but to thrive.
Lifting weights has finally become just as powerful of a method for me as running was for improving my mood, confidence, self-esteem and so much more. And I will keep on keeping on sharing my wins and my not so winning moments with anyone that wants to follow along.
Some things I was grateful for this week are the times I got to spend with my son who turned 25 years old. We had a blast at the rock climbing gym on Monday. Exercise and anything that gets my heart pumping massively helps with mood and boy, with my fear of heights, my heart was pumping hard.
I also am so grateful for my sister who is the best at holding space for me and sent me the meme below to make me laugh…I freaking love you Ruth!
I would be remiss if I didn’t show gratitude this week towards my ever-loving and patient husband for working so hard to try to understand me. He is a tremendously kind soul and my very best friend.
- Victor Frankl’s book - Man’s Search For Meaning
- Huberman Lab Podcast - Episode 98 - Science-Based Tools for Increasing Happiness
- The Happiness Lab Podcast
- Yale Happiness Project
- Sleep
- Exercise
- Sunlight - especially early morning sunlight
- Spending time outdoors in nature
- Spending time with animals
- Meditation
- Mindfulness
- Quality Social Connection - can include deep and close relationships as well as the day to day quick interactions with acquaintances (think your barista or gym buddies)
- Gratitude - particularly receipt of gratitude after the act of giving to others
- Allogrooming
- Meaningful work
- Theories around the impact of choice and the freedom to choose (see next paragraph)
- Caffeine - a chemical I’m not willing to give up. 🤗
Average actual macros last week:
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| Contemplating the meaning of life…or maybe just my next climb |
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