Climb Climb Climb

I grappled a lot with the idea of skipping this week’s blog post. It’s Christmas week, my son’s 25th birthday week and a time for celebratory moments. But I said that I would share as long as I’m comfortable doing so. I hope that by my being vulnerable, it will allow all of you, my dear readers, to consider doing the same in your lives... 

…The funny thing about depression is it can sneak up on us when we least expect it. When I’m sad, I easily share about our common struggles in life. We can bond over our shared challenges and lift each other up through connection and camaraderie. I talk with friends and loved ones about the hard things. I complain about things that are bothering me. I share sarcastic jokes. But when I’m in that really dark place where I feel completely hopeless and alone, I hide. I did a lot of hiding this week. And I’ve gotten to where I can hide in wide open spaces and no one is the wiser. No one knows unless I choose to let it be seen. And once I let it be seen, it all comes crashing down like an avalanche gaining both size and power as it travels. 

The kind of anguish I felt at times this week penetrated deep down into my bones the way one’s body aches with the flu. It was inescapable in the same way that one can’t get warm during the chilling cold sweats of a high fever. It felt like a straight jacket confining me while my soul just wanted to scream and run and fight. And once the screaming and running and fighting was done, it felt like defeat, exhaustion, loss and profound hopelessness.

I have so much shame and anger around the fact that I’ve battled these faceless, voiceless, dark demons in my mind off and on for years. Every time I think I have figured out the secret to happiness and the methods for beating them down to a pulp with a stick, they come back cloaked in minor annoyances or irritabilities revealing their true selves only after I am stuck deep within their cyclone of pain and chaos. Once I’m in this state, all visibility is lost and the only thing left for me to do is to fall to the ground and wait out the storm. 

If you have never felt what this is like, you are lucky. And your loved ones are lucky too. It’s all consuming and so incredibly hard for loved ones to know what to do. Usually the only thing one can do is to sit and hold space for the person to allow time and room for the pain, anger, and despair inside them to figure out how to find their way out.

There are many skills I have learned over the years to manage this. There are many I’m still learning. The most important one for me to remember and the hardest as well is that this is not something I am choosing. I do not choose to feel helpless and hopeless. I do not choose to want to drop to the ground and curl up in the fetal position wherever I happen to be. I am, however, choosing to try to approach these times with curiosity and compassion instead of shame and anger when I am once again able to do so. Goddamn, this is a hard thing to do.

When I was little, my mom told me that I can choose to be happy. This was a very hard thing for a little girl who had no idea how to make herself happy to hear. It did give me a small sense of hope in that one day I would figure out how to do this but “synthesized happiness” as it is called is a nuanced thing. We can’t just click our heels and close our eyes and say “there’s no place like home” in order to escape the nightmare. Happiness does not exist in a vacuum. It is highly environmentally dependent. (Listen to the podcast I mention below from The Huberman Lab for more on creating your own “synthetic happiness”.)

One thing I observed while I was going through all of this…I had gone through a period of sadness, which was then followed by anger. Anger at being sad. Anger at not knowing what to do or how to turn things around. In this moment, we had a few flies that had gotten in our home and I was frantically looking for our electric fly swatter. If I wanted to take my anger out on something, what better thing than a few flies, right?

I very quickly got fed up with looking for the damn fly swatter that I decided to try to swat it with my hand instead. I slammed my hand on top of the fly on the island so hard I killed it before it ever saw me coming. I’ve never ever done that before in my life. And believe me, I’ve tried. I then proceeded to do it twice more. The sheer fact that I did this stopped me in my tracks. It was the break in the rainstorm for which I had been searching. I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all. The pointless and also very valid feelings I was having. The fact that nothing matters and everything matters all at the same time. The fact that there is no meaning in life except that which we decide we want to give meaning to. The importance of connection and the man standing in front of me trying his best to help bring me back to center.

I don’t fully understand the neurochemistry behind these emotions. But I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that my body was pumped with adrenaline in that moment. I honestly prefer anger as an emotion over despair. I can DO something with anger. I can use it to fuel a workout or to take action. Despair just leaves me like a pile of mud on the ground left over from the storm - floppy and useless. 

I know the mechanisms of action of antidepressants and yet I choose not to take any. Part of my challenge in life has been to handle these emotions when they arise without the use of medications. As a pharmacist, I know better than most the side effects that come with using certain medications and these side effects are not ones I’m willing to deal with. I don’t want a drug blunting who I am. Who I am on most days is a beautiful, smart, talented, loving, energetic, and passionate human being. I don’t want any of that side of Rebecca to be blunted. That is not to say that I have any issues with others using these medications. They are life saving in many cases and I realize that choosing not to take them requires more work for me. More work to synthesize happiness in times when I’m unable to see beyond the black out curtains in front of my eyes. My issues with depression have fortunately been mild to moderate in nature. And I’m willing to put in this work despite how hard it can sometimes be. 

Since we are on the topic of medications and this is a blog update about my bodybuilding journey, I’ll just address right now that I’m not on nor will I ever be on performance enhancing drugs. (I’m sure you can tell right now, but you never know who might think this once I become the She-ra Princess of Power y’all are waiting for me to become. Ya, that’s from He-Man…I’m old) Anyhoo, life and emotions are hard enough without adding those to the mix. 

On a related note, many choose to blunt their emotions with alcohol. I’m going to be perfectly honest here and say that in the short term, it is really freaking handy. Alcohol is an amazingly effective chemical for disassociating from feelings and from life in the short term. I’m not an alcoholic but I often use alcohol much in the same way that the majority of our society uses it whether we like to admit it or not. And boy imma tell you. I REALLY missed alcohol this week. But there is no place in my life for alcohol right now, so it just was not an option.

Part of my reason for going on this journey is to finally learn how to deal with some hard shit without the use of chemicals. It is my goal to use all the tools I have available to me to not just survive but to thrive. 

Lifting weights has finally become just as powerful of a method for me as running was for improving my mood, confidence, self-esteem and so much more. And I will keep on keeping on sharing my wins and my not so winning moments with anyone that wants to follow along.

Some things I was grateful for this week are the times I got to spend with my son who turned 25 years old. We had a blast at the rock climbing gym on Monday. Exercise and anything that gets my heart pumping massively helps with mood and boy, with my fear of heights, my heart was pumping hard.

I also am so grateful for my sister who is the best at holding space for me and sent me the meme below to make me laugh…I freaking love you Ruth!

I would be remiss if I didn’t show gratitude this week towards my ever-loving and patient husband for working so hard to try to understand me. He is a tremendously kind soul and my very best friend. 

Here are a few tools for your happiness toolbox to explore if you are interested.

• Victor Frankl’s book - Man’s Search For Meaning
• Huberman Lab Podcast - Episode 98 - Science-Based Tools for Increasing Happiness
• The Happiness Lab Podcast
• Yale Happiness Project
• Sleep
• Exercise
• Sunlight - especially early morning sunlight
• Spending time outdoors in nature
• Spending time with animals
• Meditation
• Mindfulness
• Quality Social Connection - can include deep and close relationships as well as the day to day quick interactions with acquaintances (think your barista or gym buddies)
• Gratitude - particularly receipt of gratitude after the act of giving to others
• Allogrooming
• Meaningful work
• Theories around the impact of choice and the freedom to choose (see next paragraph)
• Caffeine - a chemical I’m not willing to give up. 🤗

And, oh my gosh!! You guys!! This is a totally random add, but there is science behind how I was feeling BETTER once I MADE the decision to totally cut out alcohol right now and full on dive into this adventure! There is a set of experiments that conclude that “when we make a choice, if we are forced to stick to that choice, we tend to be far happier than if we maintain the option to change our mind”. (From The Huberman Lab podcast on Happiness) Leaving options open after we have made a decision diminishes our satisfaction with the decision we have made. 

So there ya go. Time to keep on keepin’ on! 🤗

Current Plan Details:
Average actual macros last week:

P = 134 gms - (goal = 135)

F = 42 gms - (goal = 30-35)

C = 195 gms - (goal = 175-185)

My macros were not perfect but not bad considering the amount of tempting foods around this time of year. In my plan, my coach has said that I can have one “cheat meal” a week where I can eat whatever I want to make it easier to partake in social gatherings. For me personally, the idea of a “cheat” meal creates a mindset of scarcity. When I frame it in this way, I eat way more than I want to simply because it seems like this is my only opportunity to do so and I should take advantage of that fact. It sets up a cycle of binge and restrict which is not a path I want to go down. Therefore, I “choose” to deviate from my food plan whenever I want to and I track it regardless of the fact that my numbers will come in differently from what they are supposed to be (usually higher carbs and fat and lower protein). This works out much better for me. I am the master of my own decisions and the outcomes that result. I know what the result are of my actions and I am accountable for them. It’s much better for me than not tracking and disguising my overconsumption as though it did not occur. Everyone is different in this but this is what is mentally healthiest for me.   

Despite my mental challenges this week, I am incredibly proud of myself for not succumbing to just saying F it and returning to past negative coping behaviors like I did the last time I was in this situation. Shout out to my coach Liv and my former trainer Werner for their constant messages on social media about not staying stuck and of finding new ways of becoming the person you want to be. When I’m not able to be the inspiring one, I look to others to help me climb out of the darkness. You never know who you might impact and how by the words you share. ❤️

Oh one more random thing. I forgot to share last week that I woke up twice in the night with feelings of hunger but was able to go right back to sleep. I did not have that happen at all this week. Satiety has been high despite being in a slight deficit.

Workouts completed this week:

Rock climbing!

Legs x 2

Push x 1

Pull x 1 (skipped bicep curls due to time)

Abs x 3

Sprints x 2 (one short)

End of Week 3:

116.6 lbs = Average weight this week

118.2 lbs = Weight at gym with clothes after coffee and small meal

14.3% = Body fat %

101.2 lbs = Lean body mass

55.6 lbs = Skeletal muscle mass

17 lbs = Fat mass

27 in = Waist

35 in = Hips

40 in = Shoulders

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa. I hope the holidays are kind to you and that you all are kind to yourselves through it.

Next week, we begin another year. I hope to have my goal diagram shared before then. I meant to have it out sooner but my motto right now is “don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”. After this week, I’ve decided to go a different route altogether with my word of the year. Keep an eye out for it soon! 

Have a wonderful week my friends. 

Contemplating the meaning of life…or maybe just my next climb

Routinization

I’m wrapping up week 3 of documenting my adventure in training for a bodybuilding competition. Oddly enough, I have never even watched a bikini bodybuilding competition! I have a cousin who has been competing in mens bodybuilding for years now but have only seen his photos. I have seen clips of routines and have friends that have competed, but I’ve never even been to a show. What better time to start than now with the pay per view showing of the best of the best at the Mr. Olympia competition?! It was absolutely incredible to watch these women grace the stage after months and months, nay years and years, of them refining their craft!

This week, and for the foreseeable future, I’ll be working on routinization. The dictionary defines routinize as to “make something into a matter of routine”. The amount of planning that goes into this sport is incredible. But it can be made so much easier if one has a routine. One of my favorite books is called Atomic Habits by James Clear. His “3rd law of behavior change” is to make things easy. He defines automaticity as “the ability to perform a behavior without thinking about each step, which occurs when the non-conscious mind takes over. Creating new neural pathways through repetition helps solidly new habits. There are lots of cliche sayings in main stream media about how many days it takes to create a habit. 66 days, 21 days, etc. But what James discusses in his book is that habits form based on frequency and not time.

If I want to create a habit of eating a certain amount of protein each day, I need to get practice eating that amount of protein. If I want to reach this goal every day on a regular basis, I need to make it easy on myself (or I will drive myself and EVERYONE around me absolutely bonkers with that being the singular thing on my to do list). In order to do this, I have been simplifying my diet and ensuring I have enough low fat protein sources readily available - both cooked and easy to grab. And I’m working on removing barriers to achieving this goal. The way that I do that is to try to plan as best as I can. Then I can reflect on whether I met my targets or did not meet them. If I was not able to meet them, my next step is to make objective observations from a place of curiosity and not condemnation to find out why they were not met. This allows me to better refine my process to create more routinization and automaticity within it.

An example of this occurred on Friday. Fridays are when I take my measurements and progress photos before heading to the gym to check my body stats on the In Body machine and do a workout. That process takes some time. I had my usual small snack before my workout and did both a leg workout and a sprint HIIT workout. These workouts also took some time to complete. Because of my late schedule, there was only enough time to come home and have a small meal before getting ready for a Christmas party on the other side of town. The party had grilled chicken, which was awesome but it would be a bit tacky to fill my plate with a ton of chicken! Though next time I may consider it. :)

By the time we got home, it was almost 10 pm and I still had a ton of protein left to eat to reach 135 grams for the day. I had met my carb and fat goal already (thank you pre-party meal and small piece of baklava and rice) so my choices were limited. I didn’t want to stay up all night to eat more food so I got in a can of tuna and called it for the day.

In this one example, there are several things I did that helped my goal and there are several things I can do differently next time. The point is that my process right now is to enjoy this time of year which comes with celebrations and goodies as well as continue to work on making small changes bit by bit to work towards a larger goal. Overall, my average macros this past week were pretty spot on. I got in all my workouts and sprints - even if not all on the same days as originally scheduled. And I am moving right along in this process of routinizing this part of my life so that I can create room for other goals and activities that are just as important to me.

Current Plan Details:
Average actual macros last week:

P = 130 gms - (goal = 135)

F = 36 gms - (goal = 30-35)

C = 182 gms - (goal = 175-185)

Friday dropped my protein average a bit so this will be my focus this week. Carbs were within range (yay!). Fat is still out of range so will work on fine tuning. (I love peanut butter and pecans so much!)

Hitting all of my workouts this week felt great! Next year, I plan on riding my horses more, which will present a new challenge in terms of physical activity consuming a lot of time. I don’t mind all the exercise. I honestly thrive on this much physical activity. But I also want to ensure I have enough time to spend with the hubs too…and reading…and doing all that lame adult stuff I’m supposed to do like pay bills and wash clothes. 

End of Week 3:

115.8 lbs = Average weight this week

116.2 lbs = Dry lean mass (weight at gym with clothes after coffee and small meal)

14.2% = Body fat %

99.7 lbs = Lean body mass

55.1 lbs = Skeletal muscle mass

16.6 lbs = Fat mass

27.25 in = Waist

35 in = Hips

40.25 in = Shoulders

I forgot to take photos in my red-orange shorts and white sports bra so bikini it is. This is usually reserved for just my coach, sister, my friend Whitney and my hubs. But I’m working on getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Honestly, to me it’s just a body. A physical vessel to house my organs and brain. But to others, there is context and there is judgment. The idea of putting my physical self out there for all to see on the internet is daunting. Once it’s out there, I can take it down, but there is no guarantee of permanent removal from the internet…ever.

But I’m reminded of the fact that what others think of me is absolutely none of my business…good, bad, or indifferent. 😂🤗

Have a great week, my friends! Happy holidays whatever you may be celebrating. If you are working through the holidays as I am, I hope you are able to find some time to enjoy some festivities. The holidays are wherever I am able to celebrate with those I love, even if not on the actual day. ❤️

Life before Death. Strength before Weakness. Journey before Destination.

My son and I were talking this week again about the word “journey”. A fantasy writer named Brandon Sanderson writes about this word in his book series called The Stormlight Archives. His quote in this book is “Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination”. Sanderson’s books are about mystical worlds and beings but his characters have tremendous depth and there is so much realism in the struggles they face in his stories. This is my story that I’m choosing to share with my readers. I hope you enjoy being along for the ride.

This journey that I’m on is not just about working towards getting on stage in a bikini to show off my muscles. It is about experimenting with something so incredibly challenging that by its very nature will teach me more about my body, mind, and spirit. I’ve always been fascinated with the connection between these 3 parts of ourselves and one of my tattoos has a symbol within it to reflect these interconnected parts. This is the end of my week 2 of this journey and here are my thoughts on how it is going….

I feel most alive when I can work towards a physical goal. I have lifted weights off and on for years. Mostly off. I ran long distance beginning when I was 29 years old and worked my way up to ultramarathons. I often refrained from lifting legs because it would interfere with the energy I needed for training endurance. When I switched to horseback riding, leg day got in the way of staying on the horse. 

In June 2021, I finally decided to create a habit of lifting. I signed up with a trainer named Werner at Lifetime Fitness and committed to lifting 30 minutes 1 time per week. Often times, it was all I could do to get in for that one workout session. But I stuck with it. It helps that I was paying someone to hold me accountable. As I learned from him and became more comfortable with all of the machines and movements, I started going into the gym on my own. First once a week then twice. By November 2021, I felt confident enough to increase my training sessions - coached and solo - and lifting became an almost daily habit.

Fast forward to June 2022. I had trained consistently for a year with a personal trainer and though it was not cheap, it was an incredible investment in my health. I gained a ton of knowledge and confidence in the gym and felt confident to become more independent. I signed up with a coach named Olivia recommended by a friend. She drafted a nutrition plan for me (assigned macros for me to meet each day) and assigned me a workout regimen. I started out really strong. I dropped body fat and gained muscle and was just chugging along. Until it got hard. And life got hard. Two week international vacation followed by being stuck in a different country on our way back home. Add in 5 overtime days in the month I got back. My father’s surgery. And culminating with starting therapy. 

I also didn’t know if my heart was truly in this goal. Am I being selfish by setting it? Am I being vain? Am I too old to do this? Do I want to keep certain things in my life that can’t be in it if I’m going to go all in 100%?

It took a while to get here folks. And I may change my mind at any time. Ha! But right now I just don’t see that happening. I may screw up along the way. Hell, I WILL screw up along the way. But the beauty in this is if we fall, we can get up again. We can try again. We can try and try and tweak and tweak until next thing we know we are doing the thing.

I heard a quote in a podcast this week that completely resonated with me. It was an episode of Iron Culture and they were interviewing Dr. Ben House. Dr. House has a PhD in nutrition and is a Certified Functional Medicine Practitioner as well as a strength coach. He decided to support a client by going through the process of getting as lean as he possibly could with absolute no goal of competing while his client was preparing for a competition. He had this to say on his podcast…

“The reason I love this the most is you can’t fucking buy it…you can make it easier…but it is not for sale and I love that…The only way you get this is through your effort and it is never going to be easy.” — Dr. Ben House

This process is not easy and I think that is a significant part of its allure. How do I meet these goals day in and day out while also maintaining healthy relationships with my spouse, my adult children, my family, my friends, my work, and most of all, myself? How do I plan to make it easier and to predict obstacles that may get in my way?

The way I meet my nutrition and training goals are to continuously refine, adjust and standardize my routine until I find what works. Identifying possible obstacles and preparing for them. And staying connected and present with myself and with others throughout this process.

Another topic arose as I spoke with a friend about my goal this week. I mentioned that I’m excited to get into this sport and she asked if it could really be considered a sport. That’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I’ve heard that lots of non bodybuilder members in the strength community question its validity as a sport. So I looked up the definition of sport. It is “an activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against another or others for entertainment.” There is definitely physical exertion and skill, though that is done in the months and years before comp day as opposed to on the actual day itself. There is skill in that one has to walk and position their body in such a way to maximize the visibility of key muscle groups for the judging process as well as the skill involved in building and fine tuning all the right muscle groups along the way. There is skill in cutting body fat down to a level such that muscle definition is visible. There is definitely competition between individuals. And it is definitely for entertainment as opposed to some more functional purpose.

In the debate of whether or not it should be an Olympic sport, I found the following passage in an article on bodybuilding.com.

The IOC and OPC claimed that simply, bodybuilding is not a sport and therefore has no place in the Olympic Games. Who decides what a sport is in the first place? I searched and found a list of pre-requisites for a sport.

According to Sociology of Sport, a sport must fulfill all of the following:

• Activity becomes less subject to individual prerogative, with spontaneity severely diminished.

• Formal rules and structural role and position relationships and responsibilities within the activity assume predominance.

• Separation from the rigors and pressures of daily life become less prevalent.

• Individual liability and responsibility for the quality and character of his behavior during the course of the activity is heightened.

• The relevance of the outcome of the activity and the individual's role in it extends to the groups and collectivities that do not participate directly in the act.

• Goals become diverse, complex, and more related to values emanating from outside of the context of the activity.

• The activity consumes a greater proportion of the individual's time and attention due to the need for preparation and the degree of seriousness involved in the act.

Competitive Bodybuilding meets all of these pre-reqs. Bodybuilding passes every single one and therefore should be considered a sport.

I found this to be an interesting subject of conversation with my friend.

Current Plan Details:
Average actual macros last week:

P = 134.6 gms - (goal 135)

F = 35.7 gms - (goal 30-35)

C = 198 gms - (goal 175-185)

Keep in mind this is assuming I tracked accurately. I do my best and use a scale as often as I can. That said, even trained nutritionists are sometimes off. I am not obsessing over being perfect. It is my goal, however, to get better and better at meeting the targets set before me by my coach. Learning how to let go and be coached is a massive skill that I’m practicing. Simply making the decision to do this and to follow Liv’s lead and to trust her is a big first step y’all!!!

I have not felt very hungry this week even though I’m in a slight deficit. I have noticed that I’m weaker in the gym. I’m ok with this because I still lift the weight required to hit the number of reps prescribed with an RPE of at least 8-9 by the last set if the exercise doesn’t say to go to failure.

I’m so excited to share that over the past few weeks I have actually come to feel the presence of a derriere! My whole entire life I have had an awareness of my abdomen. Maybe it’s because I primarily wear pants which have a waistline of either elastic, drawstring or a zipper and button. Maybe it’s because, as a high school friend once told me, I’m built like a tree. I have had sensations of bloating from “female stuff” or fullness from food or just awareness of its existence. This is normal. As we eat and fast throughout the day and wear certain clothes, we can feel our abdominal area.

What I am NOT familiar with is the sensation of the presence of my backside. I have always been quite flat on my posterior side and running distance did not help with that. Due to my build, my pants tended to be tighter around my waist and looser around my hips and buttocks. But as I have increased lower body training, specifically with focus on hamstrings and glutes, these sensations are changing. I can literally feel the presence of my glutes now. I wonder if it is because its size is changing or if it’s because I finally know how to activate and target them. Either way, I too am along for the ride in this and am loving the changes that are happening, however slight they may be. It may not be obvious to others yet, but it sure is obvious to me!

I hit 5 weight workouts (goal of at least 4), 3 out of 3 ab workouts, and 2 out of 3 sprint workouts.

My goal in the coming week is to hit workouts and practice planning better to hit all my macro goals.

End of Week 2:

Current weight = 117.5 lbs

Body fat % = 13.5%

Lean body weight (LBW) = 101.6 lbs

Fat weight = 15.9 lbs

Waist = 27.4 in

Hips = 34.5 in

Shoulders = 39.75 in

Have a great week, my friends!

Taking the Leap…

TLDR: Training plan and body stats are towards the bottom in the section titled MY CURRENT PLAN DETAILS. My goal is to post updates on here at least once weekly with how training and nutrition is going and any bumps or random thoughts along the way. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or thoughts on additional information that would be helpful for me to include.

I was driving down a winding, rocky forest trail in my red Ford F-150 with my son. He was about 10 years old and I’m not really sure where we were headed. The trail was narrow, certainly too narrow for a truck and I felt the back left wheel nearly miss falling off the edge. The drop off was steep and after recovering my back wheel, I tried to hit the breaks. Why were we on this trail? Where were we heading? This is so dangerous! As I went to hit the breaks, the truck spun out and accelerated. I tried again, this time steering into the slope of the hill on our right to try to stop us from continuing down this treacherous path. Instead of stopping, the truck drove up and over the incline reaching the flat surface at the top of the trail and suddenly went into high gear. We were closing in on the precipice on the other side of the plateau and I couldn’t get the truck to stop. I slammed on the breaks and I looked to see if Dante’s seat belt was secure as my terror rose and the breaks malfunctioned. As we flew off the edge into a deep gorge below, a wave of sadness rolled over me that I couldn’t protect my son and we would not have a chance to say I love you and goodbye to my daughter, husband, and all the rest of our family…I woke up with a racing heart and immense gratitude that it had only been a dream.

This dream took place two nights ago. As I moved through the morning, I kept thinking about life and how to live it fully with no regrets. I have no idea what the dream meant. Was it just another nightmare because my body was overheating? Yes, nightmares happening when I’m too warm is a thing, which is super fun as I’m going through menopause. Or was it a message? Honestly, I’m too practical to believe in messages. I want to believe. Don’t get me wrong. It’s super comforting and sometimes I look to things, places, smells, people with hope that they are some sort of guiding force in my life. Until I remember that bad things happen to good people - good children - good families. And then I am reminded that though we are all interconnected in this human existence, bad shit just sometimes happens.

Death and I are on a first name basis. I see it in my work on almost weekly. While the pediatric world was mostly spared in 2020 (with the exception of MIS-C), we are back to pre-2020 numbers and beyond in the pediatric emergency department. I love my job. We help an incredible amount of children. And I absolutely love being a supporting member of the ED team. My physician, nursing, respiratory therapist, ED pharmacist staff members fuel me. They rely on me. They teach me. They make me laugh and smile in the face of tragedy. I’m bonded to my colleagues in ways I will never be bonded to those who don’t experience this type of secondary trauma together.

But I need something outside of work to remind me that just because I am exposed to so much trauma and pain this is only one small part of life. We will all die someday. It’s sad that so many lives end too early to experience life to it’s fullest. To grow up. Go to college. Experience love and families of their own. But I need to remember that I have grown up. I have gone to college. I have experienced love and family (more than once). Not taking that for granted is what helps me to go back day after day to help those I can and remember those I can’t.

What does ANY of this have to do with bodybuilding? This is just one tiny glimpse into the many thoughts that swirl through this brain of mine. I’m really new to this sport. I still have a tremendous amount to learn. I’ve been regularly weight training for a year now and I don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to capture any more progression as I move through this process. I love having goals and something fun and hard to focus on. This will be extremely hard and also extremely exciting!

What I don’t want to do is to lose sight of my WHY. I DON’T want to replace certain dissociative behaviors I have utilized in the past with a new one. I DON’T want this to be the only thing that I think about at the expense of my relationships. I DON’T want to have regrets and wonder “what if I had actually tried” later in life.

I’m grateful for my friend Whitney who reminded me that these competitions are not like marathons. Sign up doesn’t occur until much much closer to competition day. I don’t have to commit to any one competition right now. But they are similar to marathons in that this is a long game. I DO need to commit to this as a long term project with mini goals along the way that need to be met every single day and week if competing is the ultimate goal. I DO want a challenging, fun and positive outlet. I DO want to learn more about my body, my mind, and my spirit by going through this process. I DO want to simplify my routine. 

For nearly 12 years I have worked 2nd shift 7 days on and 7 days off. That schedule automatically breeds chaos and inconsistency. For example, I can’t commit to my old neighborhood’s monthly book club because they meet on the 3rd Monday of every month. Some months I’m available. Some I’m not. I can’t have standing weekly riding or dinner commitments. They have to be every other week.

And yet after 12 years, I’m finding ways to create a schedule and a routine. I do this by simplifying my life and not trying to flip flop it around for everyone else all the time. Whether I’m working or not, I can eat the same foods to make my meal planning and shopping easier and free up time for family or other hobbies. Whether I’m working or not, I can keep my midday workout time the same and not flip flop it from week to week. 

I can keep it simple in social media and in this blog. I can share my stats. My workouts. My food. My day to day. The other deeper side of me will always be there too. It may be brought in from time to time. I’m an open book. Some say I share way too much. (But what is too much? Haha) The one thing I want to do is to remain authentic. Part of that is to share that this goal is so much deeper than just saying I want to train for and compete in a bikini competition. This goal is fitness related. The goal is to build muscle and sculpt my body. But as one bikini competitor Celestial Rains-Turk says, this adventure is about building so much more than just a body. And so we begin…

MY CURRENT PLAN DETAILS:

Soooooooo………for the plan as it is now……….I have a coach named Liv. She too reminded me that this is a long process. It takes time to build muscle. Lots and lots and lots and lots of time. 😂  It’s so hard for me to let go and trust someone else to guide me. I’m not the easiest person to coach but that is part of this learning process as well. And fortunately Liv GETS me. 🤗 We will spend some time leaning me back out. (I got down to just under 13% body fat and 113 lbs over the summer but have put since weight and fat back on.) Then we will start the process of building. I can’t wait to document this journey!!

My training plan right now is minimum 4 days of strength training workouts per week.

• Push, Pull, and 2x Lower body with the option of adding in another Push or Pull day or both if I can train more.
• Abs 3 times a week.
• HIIT cardio 3 times a week.

Nutrition plan is as follows:

• P = 135 grams
• F = 30-35 grams
• C = 175-185 grams
• Total = 1510-1595 calories per day

My maintenance calories are likely around 1950 calories a day. The high end of the macros above would put me at 1595 calories. This puts me in a deficit of about 355-440  calories a day. I am following a flexible dieting plan. This simply means that as long as I meet my macronutrient goals, I can CHOOSE what I want to eat to get to that goal. This allows me to have some control over my eating (super important for me to have some semblance of control).

However, to meet my protein daily macro goals, my protein choices need to be from lean sources. Satiety is also helped with eating higher fiber foods for my carbohydrate choices. Activation of stretch receptors in the stomach help with satiety so choosing foods higher in bulk and lower in density will be helpful as we move through a deficit. The reverse will be helpful once I start increasing my calories. If you don’t know already, this process is simple and straightforward…but it’s NOT EASY!!

End of Week 1:

Current weight = 115.6 lbs

Body fat % = 14.9%

Lean body weight (LBW) = 98 lbs

Fat weight = 17 lbs

Waist = 27.25 in

Hips = 35 in

Shoulders = 40 in