Rebecca's Adventures: Just Keep Swimming

“It’s there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I look at you, and I’m home.” Dory - Finding Nemo

TLDR: I have an appointment in March to discuss getting neuropsychiatric testing done. My bodybuilding progress is staying consistent and I’m getting a booty! I had a lot of fun these past couple of weeks since my last post and I’m in a good headspace.

There is a reason that one of my favorite phrases is “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming swimming swimming.” There is a reason my kids have called me Dory a time or two. I relate to Dory on such a deep level.

I listened to an audiobook recently called Your Brain’s Not Broken. It’s a non-fiction book about attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and was recommended to me by a close family member who suffers from this disorder. This person thought that maybe I was suffering from it too. My intent was to listen to it so that I could understand more about my family members who have ADHD (and to add a book to my 2023 completed books goal). However, I surprisingly found myself resonating with a large number of the characteristics described. Being a pharmacist in a pediatric ED, I’m very familiar with the treatment of ADHD. I see it all the time…mostly in young boys. But what about adult females? How did I not already know about how ADHD presents itself in adult females? So I started researching…

In 2016, I found out that Fragile X runs in my family. This X linked genetic condition causes mild to severe intellectual disability. Though it can affect both males and females, male offspring are particularly at risk of being born with and severely impacted by fragile X syndrome (FXS). Some common symptoms include developmental delays, anxiety, ADHD, autism spectrum disorder and more. Shortly after learning about Fragile X, I was tested and learned that I am a carrier of this chromosomal permutation. And as such, I worry for the future offspring of my children and their children.

Carriers can also be impacted in several ways. I learned a few years ago that my hypothyroidism (diagnosed at age 7) was likely a result of being a fragile X carrier. Thyroid hormone is the hormone responsible for regulating your body’s metabolism. Without frequent evaluation (blood draws) and adjustments to my thyroid hormone replacement medication, my metabolism would go down and I could suffer from symptoms of fatigue, cold sensitivity, weight gain, depression, muscle aches and weakness, slow movements and thoughts, constipation, dry skin, brittle hair, loss of libido, pain, and numbness and tingling in hands and fingers. You can imagine the impact of this condition on my athletic and professional goals, especially given the fact that until the past year and a half, I’ve never been really consistent with taking my medication. I would miss days. Then double up or triple up doses to try to play catch up. Crazy, right? Why wouldn’t I take it as directed? I’m a pharmacist for Pete’s sake. And I often tell people I’m a “do as i say, not as a do pharmacist”. One thing that bodybuilding has done for me is to force me to see the direct and immediate positive impact of being consistent and regimented with my medication. Talk about a huge non-scale win!

What I didn’t know though until last week was that Fragile X carriers can also suffer from neuropsychiatric conditions referred to as Fragile X-associated neuropsychiatric disorder (FXAND). Some of these conditions include depression, anxiety, ADHD, substance-abuse, chronic pain, and chronic fatigue. I wonder now with this new information, if there is a genetic component to explain why I am the way I am? And if some of the neurodivergence in our family can be explained by this genetic trait?

I have often thought about having neuropsychiatric testing done but more to identify my potential issues around mild episodic/situational depression. I have neglected to do this, however, because having a bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Doctorate degree in Pharmacology certainly qualifies me to diagnose myself, wouldn’t you say?? (Ya, uh, that’s a no.) Jokes aside, I know that mild depression is something that comes and goes for me. I know that exercise, particularly aerobic exercise, can be quite effective in treating mild depression. And I am confident in my ability to actively participate in identifying tactics I can use to climb out of the darkness of those times and to “just keep swimming swimming swimming”. Besides, with all the damn hot flashes I have had lately, I seriously think much of my recent struggles could also be hormonal. (This is where we say, “Yay! Maybe some of this is temporary!”)

But even after reading a journal article published in 2018 on this subject of FXAND and learning more about ADHD, I realize that it doesn’t particularly matter WHY we are the way we are. What matters is that we find a way to come to understand WHO we are; to remain open to learning tools and techniques to help us manage our lives; and to identify what makes us tick, what motivates us, what fuels us, what heals us, what nourishes us, and what helps us when feel as though we are drowning.

I’m so grateful to my mom for helping me with this last week. I had called her and shared that instead of getting things crossed off my never ending to do list and finding a way to become a neat and organized person, I had gotten sidetracked videoing playful adventures with my chickens and horses and posting them on social media instead. She warmly told me that maybe some of what I consider to be wasted time and character defects may actually be assets to my personality instead. I’m a person who shares her journey and has fun and makes others smile and laugh with her along the way. My emotionality makes me want to cry just thinking how sweet this was of her to say. Thanks mom if you are reading this.

The book I read, was very helpful with this as well. From a practical standpoint, the author shared a tool called the solve-it grid which contains a set of four quadrants. Each quadrant is color coded and identifies tasks based on whether they are stimulating or not stimulating on the y axis and fun or not fun on the x axis. This tool can be used as a way to prioritize tasks in ways other than just a linear giant laundry list of “to dos”. It can also help to identify if too much time is being spent putting out fires (the stimulating but not fun quadrant) or in passive fun activities (not stimulating but fun quadrant). Much of my time is spent in these two quadrants and I’d like to learn how to spend time in the other two more often.

We aren’t even through January yet. But having started on goalsetting so early, I’ve already entered that space of potential overwhelm. (Y’all have seen my crazy list of goals right? Refer to my GOALS POST if not.) Fortunately, I’ve already identified a few techniques to help me move to the other side of that emotional overwhelm space. I have set so many goals for myself and things I want to do that it’s hard to stay on top of it all.

There are 24 hours in the day and we need to prioritize how we want to spend our time. I absolutely love the solve-it grid because it has opened my eyes to the amount of time I spend in the red “fires” quadrant and in the blue “passive fun” quadrant. That knowledge gave me the feedback I needed to create change. And you best believe I started implementing change immediately. How freaking exciting is this?! (That’s also why I’m delayed with this blog post. I’ve actually spent some time having fun!)

And finally, now for an update on my bodybuilding. I’m so stoked you guys! I’m actually getting a booty! Like, I know where my butt is now. It’s actually a wee bit in the way when I pull up my pants. This is getting so fun! I hope it stays this way. And, well, if it doesn’t, I’m sure I’ll find something else to hyper-focus on. Haha. Get it? See what I did there? An ADHD joke at my expense…

“Love who you are what you are and what you do. Laugh at yourself and at life and nothing can touch you.” - Louise Hay

Anyways, here’s my stats…

Current Plan Details

Average actual macros last 2 weeks:

Week ending 1/21/23:

P = 152 gms (goal = 135) - HELL YEAH!

F = 52 gms (goal = 30-35) - way off

C = 228 gms (goal = 175-185) - way off

Week ending 1/14/23:

P = 125 gms (goal = 135) - meh

F = 47 gms (goal = 30-35) - whomp whomp

C = 200 gms (goal = 175-185) - whomp whomp