Accepting Compliments is Hard

Yesterday I was working out using the cable machine at the gym. So that I did not have to adjust the cable bar between the top and the bottom settings on one side of the machine for my alternating exercises, I was using both sides of the machine. As I was finishing up one of my exercises, I noticed a man had come over to the area but had turned around to walk away looking a wee bit forlorn. Based on his body language, it was clear that he had wanted to use one of the sides of the machine. I caught his attention, and offered up one of the cables to him, saying that I didn’t need both. When he asked if I was sure I said, “Yeah, I was just being lazy. I didn’t want to have to move the cable bar up and down”. He thanked me and proceeded to perform his exercises.

After I had gotten through another set, he said, “It’s funny what you consider lazy” referring to my comment about using two sides of the cable machine so I did not have to adjust the cable bar up and down. He said, “You’re the hardest working person in here! It’s really inspiring”. I smiled meekly and said “I have big goals”. (Picture Garth’s smile from Wayne’s World after his crazy good drum solo when he says “I like to play”.)

You see, when I go into the gym, I put my music on and get into the zone. I forget that other people can and do see me. Or if I remember, I pretend they can’t like a toddler that covers their eyes and thinks it makes them disappear. (Thank you AirPods and loud music for helping to serve this purpose for me!)

His comment brought me back into reality. And then I remembered conversations I’ve had with my son where he said sometimes it’s hard for him (and lots of humans, frankly) to simply accept a compliment without excusing it away or minimizing it somehow. It’s so hard to just say, “Thank you. That’s very kind of you to say!”

It’s much easier to give compliments than to receive them for both my son, and for me. That memory fortunately popped into my brain in time and I had the opportunity to add on a quick “Thank you. I appreciate that”.

I recently shared a post from another Instagram page talking about how the words we use are important, particularly the words we use about ourselves. And yet here I was referring to myself as lazy when I was 50 minutes into a solid and hard strength training session. I think I do this because I don’t want to come off as conceited or as a person that’s taking up too much space in this world. But while it’s absolutely important to share, and we don’t need to use two machines at once when the gym is busy, we also don’t need to excuse ourselves for taking up space in a world that we all live in together. It was a good reminder to practice accepting compliments gracefully rather than feeling as though they are somehow undeserved. I DO work hard. I DO put forth effort. And I’m NOT LAZY despite the fact that  I have used that word to describe myself so many times in my past. 

So today I say THANK YOU to the kind stranger at the gym who complimented me on my effort. It made me work that much harder on the last two sets of my workout and I left the gym with a smile on my face.

May this also be a reminder to my friends today that it’s OK to say thanks when someone compliments you and to not feel as though you should dismiss it. And a special thank you to my son for the many conversations we have had around this topic as he himself has learned how to graciously accept compliments in his own life.

Much love, friends!

An Incredible First Week!

I finally did it! I signed up with a professional bikini bodybuilding coach. I've wanted to for so long! But the idea of it was so daunting. I have never felt that I would be able to meet the level of expected precision and accountability that would be required by a coach. I felt like I was "hard to coach". I'm learning though that even if I appear to be purposefully rebellious in my lack of follow through, this is misleading. I'm a people pleaser to a certain extent so I never believed that it was because I didn't WANT to follow the rules. Rather, when there are many many rules, I often FORGET or lose sight of them along the way. I am well intended. I just need a lot of reminding. Like A LOT! And as you learn what goals I'm now trying to meet, you will understand just how freaking hard this is.

BUT, with a coach, comes an amazing amount of support! I'm not in this alone. I'm with a coach who truly understands my own person goals and, more importantly, my barriers to reaching these goals. I'm doing the work, but she is my virtual body double standing next to me and symbolically holding my hand as we walk through this process together. My good friend Whitney is also under the same coach so we can chat about our mutual goals. And, boy, are these things making all the difference!

That and the fact that if I don't submit my check-ins thoroughly every week, there is a good chance I would be fired from the program until I'm ready to do the work. SOOOOOO, guess who doesn't want to get told she's not ready to be coached? Ha.

My primary goal:

⭒ Build muscle!

(For the next several months and likely through the end of the year so that I'm stronger and larger going into a cut in 2024.)

My secondary goals:

⭒ Routinize my weekly review so that it becomes an ingrained habit

⭒ Make alcohol smaller in my life

⭒ Stick to a building nutrition plan long enough to see muscle gains

⭒ Not just work to get on stage, but do the very best that I can

WEEK ONE!! LET'S GO!
(Note: 1st week was only 5 days)

✅ Daily water goal - 95 oz (goal: 64 oz)
✅ Average daily protein goal - 133 gm (goal: 130 gm)
✅ Average daily calories - 1923 cals (goal: 2000 cals)

✅ Average daily fiber - 32 gm (goal: 25 gm)

✅ Average daily servings of vegetables - 2 (goal: 2)

✅ Average nightly sleep - 8 hours (goal: 6.5 hrs)

✅ Weekly strength workouts - 4 workouts (goal: 4 with optional 5th)

✅ Weekly cardio sessions - 2 sessions (goal: 3 sessions)

Areas I will be specifically targeting for next week include:

⚪️ Continue meeting protein and calorie goals so we can find my maintenance

⚪️ Getting in all my workouts

⚪️ Increasing average daily steps to 10,000 steps and sun exposure to 30 mins

My accountability to my goals outside of just the workouts is already going up. My hope is that this is exactly what I need in this time in my life to help these daily habits to solidify and stick. The more automated they become, the easier it will be for me to execute with less effort. The easier it will be for me to make habits that do not fuel me become smaller in my life. The easier it will be for me to then focus my energy on the people and activities that light me up and increase my connections to them.

It was an amazing week! And I cannot wait to keep trucking along this path!

Today is Day One...Again. And that's a-ok.

TODAY IS DAY ONE!! Again. And it won't be my last day one.

"I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -- Thomas Edison

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts." -- Winston Churchill

These two quotes embody the idea of having a growth mindset.

I don't know about you, but when I fail at something, I can easily get hung up on negative self-talk that sounds like:

"I don't know why you thought that you could do this."

or

"This is really hard, Rebecca. Maybe it isn't for you. Maybe you don't want it bad enough."

It's hard when we don't follow habits and targets that we set for ourselves. It's easy to just quit when things get challenging or when we mess up. What's harder is starting over. Especially when we have to start over again and again and again.

There are lots of ways to work towards establishing a new habit. And many folks tout the benefits of a "don't break the chain" kind of mindset implying that if you mess up even one day then you have somehow failed at your goals and, even worse, some imply that you have failed as a human being.

But I'm here to tell you that I mess up. All. The. Freaking. Time. I could take the approach that I suck at doing the things that I need to do to reach my goal like meet my protein, lifting, cardio, sleep, or water goals when I miss one or more of them.

Orrrrr. I can remind myself that I'm early in this game in the grand scheme of things having only started seriously lifting less than 2 years ago. I can remind myself that the amount of executive function tasks and time commitment that it takes to meet ALL of these habit goals every single day while still attending to everything and everyone else in my life are MASSIVE. I can remind myself that little changes every day add up over the long haul. 

Today is day one again because I overate on calories and drank alcohol yesterday, I didn't move my body, I hardly had any water, and I didn't get enough sleep. Today is also day one because it is the day I decided to go all in on this goal and hire a competitive bikini bodybuilding coach.

I've resisted doing this for long time now and was beating myself up quite a bit for being so resistant but also for feeling inadequate about finding it challenging to do all of this on my own. 

On the coaching application, I was asked quite a few questions that made me take pause and realize a number of things including my biggest limiting factors.

Some of these limiting factors include:

1. Faith in my abilities to accomplish this goal. This goal takes tons of mental work and executive functioning tasks! 

Solution - I never thought I'd be able to run a marathon, let alone qualify for the Boston Marathon or run Rim to Rim to Rim. I reminded myself that I did these things though by running little by little and building knowledge, skills and confidence. Learning a new sport or skill takes a lot of time. This is normal. Set backs are going to happen. Resilience and persistence are what will get me to my goal.

2. Committing 100% to this goal and putting an actual date on the calendar.

Solution - There is a local show on October 7th and I'm available that day. I'm committing today to give this goal an actual shot.

3. Perceived lack of outside support and accountability. With running, I had an amazing friend group where I used to live. These friends held me accountable for showing up to training runs and encouraged me to sign up for races. They were always there for me when I had questions and helped with writing training programs, nutrition, race day details and so much more. I don't have any close friends where I live that compete in bikini bodybuilding and that's hard.

Solution - I have a great friend who lives in Tucson who competes and she communicates with me all the time through Marco Polo and text. She shares her knowledge with me. She shares her life stuff with me. And she checks in with me regularly to help me with accountability.

I'm hiring a coach who's job is literally to hold me accountable for all the many little habits involved.

I have a few gym friends, including my former personal trainer, who help me with accountability by just being there, shooting the shit with me, and looking for me to show up regularly.

I have an incredible husband who supports me in anything I do as long as I still make time for us. He promised to keep helping me with meal prep and reminding me of my habits when I get sidetracked (which happens often).

And, finally, my sister already marked her calendar with my show date so she can cheer me on from the audience!

4. Money.

Solution - This isn't a cheap sport. Period. But if I want it bad enough, I'll work overtime to cover the costs or spend less money on damn planners! (God, I love a beautiful planner. They are so full of hope and opportunity!)

I've spent some time in the last several months also feeling "less than" because I haven't jumped into a competition sooner. I feel like I've been a lot of talk and not a lot of action. But while filling out that application I realized a few more things and then gave myself some grace...

First and foremost, I may be old enough for reading glasses for my presbyopia, but I'm still damn young in this sport in terms of years of training.

My First Year of Strength Training (Starting June 2021):

I signed up with Lifetime Fitness for my 47th birthday and literally started with a single 30 minute personal training session once a week in June 2021. And if you ask my trainer Werner, he will confirm that this is indeed all the time I spent in the gym early on. I was still running occasionally and my goals were two-fold: be able to do a body weight pull-up and establish a routine of lifting regularly. By October or November, I was lifting 3 days a week with him and 1-2 on my own. And I hit that pull-up goal by then too!

Early in this first year, my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was incredibly hard for me emotionally. I was terrified for her and for her teenage boys. She is my one and old sibling. She is my biggest supporter and my best friend in the whole world. She is my baby sister.

I always knew she had incredible physical endurance and strength and is hella strong mentally. She freaking qualified for the Boston Marathon the December after giving birth to twins via c-section in May earlier that same year. All because I told her she simply HAD to qualify then so that she and I could run Boston together because I didn't know if I had it in me to ever qualify again. (Some sister I am! Haha.)

She handled her diagnosis and everything that went with it with the most incredible mindset of anyone I know. She is my hero and I'm so glad that she is on the other side now of that rough journey. (Knock on a shit ton of wood that it stays this way!!)

In this same time frame, I sold my home and Trevor and I lived in his toy hauler for a month or so with a dog, bunny, and cat while we finished making the house on his property livable. This, in the middle of the Arizona summer. Meanwhile, I was also studying for the Pediatric Pharmacotherapy Board Certification exam, which I passed in October 2021. Trevor transitioned out of his full time job to go out on his own in November. We got covid in January. And I did several endurance horse races this year as well.

My Second Year of Strength Training (Starting June 2022):

I had a year of personal training under my belt and a pretty solid lifting routine so I transitioned out of personal training to an online lifestyle coach. I did my first real mini cut before going to Europe with Trevor for a couple of weeks, which threw things off. I didn't get back into a good nutrition routine before traveling to Tucson in September to help my dad after his knee surgery. I was getting used to eating fewer calories with a weekly "cheat meal". And in this process, I learned that language and changing my routines matter a ton for my mindset.

Not tracking and calling meals cheat meals led me to developing a scarcity mindset around those meals. I felt like I had better eat anything and everything even if I was full or it wasn't my favorite food because I wasn't going to get another cheat meal until the following week. I learned that for me personally, I'm better off acknowledging (and continuing to track) everything that I'm eating than to pretend that it didn't happen.

A large part of my "why" of doing this to begin with is to develop/maintain a healthy relationship with food, to appreciate what my body is able to do for me, and to make alcohol small or non-existent in my life again. (I went years without drinking when I was training for road races.) Appreciating that I can ease up on my rigidity while acknowledging that it is happening by tracking and being mindful of my variance in plan helps keep my mental fortitude in check. I refuse to lose myself in this process and I took a step back on the nutrition side of things at that time to examine what was actually happening versus what I wanted to happen.

During this entire time, I was also writing a continuing education chapter for an Emergency Medicine focused book for board certified pharmacists. This extracurricular activity on top of no PTO from work for 6 months due to being so short-staffed, working Thanksgiving and Christmas, and picking up extra shifts at work about did me in.

All of these goings on (and the knowledge that ADHD has a genetic component) is what led me to a psychiatric evaluation and ultimately a diagnosis of ADHD. That discovery and then my quest to learn everything about ADHD and how to restructure, review and reframe my entire life put a concentrated effort on nutrition on hold for a bit. Though I never fully stopped trying to reach my targets...

All this to say again that I'm relatively new to bodybuilding even if I'm not knew to athletic endeavors so it's going to take me time and some failures along the path to my goal. I had unexpected stressors that popped in my life, as we all inevitably, do and resilience is what matters more than being 100% perfect.

The process of stepping back and getting curious enough to examine all the factors that are in play help provide a framework to determine what works and what doesn't for us as individuals. Thinking that we can follow someone else's plan or a cookie cutter plan will likely not work. We are all different in what works for us and fuels us. Reflecting and evaluating can then lead us to make revisions that can help us get to where we want to go. Looking back takes time and I don't do it often enough. But every time I do, I learn something new that I can then apply moving forward.

Throughout my whole life, I have bounced from passion to passion, hobby to hobby often not fully embracing one before jumping to another. I was...check that...I am...honestly, a bit scared that I'll lose the fire I have around lifting before I reach this goal of fully going through the process and getting on the stage. I love and appreciate my body in a way that I never have before and I don't want to lose this. I don't want to quit and move on. And in order to keep this fire burning, I need a goal. I need a competition. I need a date on the calendar to target. I need a countdown. I need a purpose. I need it to stay interesting.

I'm done with my chapter and the one horse race that matched up with my work schedule this year got moved to a weekend I work. This will hopefully allow me to focus on this goal for the next 24 weeks. 24 short and important weeks.

And so here we are! Day One everyone! The day that I am embracing actually setting a target date and hiring someone to help me with all of it so that I can take a lot of the executive functioning tasks off my plate.

I can simply execute and then have the rest of the time I would otherwise spend hemming and hawing about how to do this or that and put it towards my many other goals and passions! Organizing my entire house and horse stuff. Organizing my photos. Spending time with the hubs and my loved ones. Riding my horses (within the confines of my training plan through August). Climbing for bravery sake. And reading.

My consult with my potential coach is on Thursday. Wish me luck and I'll keep you all posted! If I feel she's a match, then my good friend and I will be on the same team with the same coach, which will make this adventure all the sweeter.

Two week social media break

What did I do on my two week break from work and social media? Well I sure spent a helluva lot of time in my own head - I can tell you that much. 😂 Sometimes it was nice to be in my own company. Sometimes the songs in my head really got annoying. Sometimes it was lonely. But surprisingly, it was never boring. In the space that was previously filled with funny cat videos and learning more about ADHD or sharing my latest flexing gym pics, I found other ways to occupy my time. 

I originally wanted to set out on this 2 week break from work and Instagram with big plans and lofty goals to get massive amounts of things checked off of my 23 in 2023 list or my big photo album or minimizing all my stuff projects. 

But I scaled back and told myself that I would be doing no such thing. No big goals. No lofty expectations. One goal. Just don’t go on Instagram. Don’t post. Don’t spend time looking at all the latest funny reels. Just be. Be at peace with myself. And see what happens.

Boy, I’m gonna tell ya that was harder than expected. One good thing was I kept up my workout routine. Much of my day was taken up automatically by my 5+ times per week weightlifting routine that’s followed by 20 minutes on the treadmill. Next, I would head home and do all the usual care task stuff. Make food, tidy the kitchen, shower.

But I couldn’t help but place pressure on myself to take advantage of this time off and “get more done”. Originally, I had taken this time off from work to participate in an endurance ride. But I hadn’t been training Arya enough to warrant putting her into a competition where I would likely not be able to hold myself back from pushing her to a top ten completion. Super not fair for her since the most we have ridden as of late is 10.6 miles. I’ll tell ya though, the last 3 times I’ve taken her out she has NOT wanted to go back to the trailer. She legit U-turned whenever we got within 1/2 mile of it and started heading back out. I had to forcibly steer her back to the trailer. So that’s a great sign for our future together in endurance! If I can just get back into it enough…..but that’s an issue to discuss another day.

One thing that massively helped with my mindset was…painting…

Have you ever taken one of those classes where an instructor walks you through the process of painting a picture? Did you know you can do this at home following tutorials on YouTube?? I swear YouTube has a video for everything!

Trevor and I decided to do this as a date activity one night. We enjoyed it so much that we painted 2 more during my time off. Though I’m not entirely sure how long it took each time…we completely lose track of time while painting…it probably took at least 3 hours each time - not including set up and clean up.

The thing about painting is when you are a beginner like me, you have to just let go of perfectionism. When the artist instructor says to tap the canvas with your mop brush to make leaves of a tree and your tap looks like a blob, it’s incredibly hard to not be disappointed in yourself. My trees will not look like the instructor’s trees. They just won’t. At least not with lots of practice first.

In bodybuilding as in many things in life, we are told to “trust the process”. Each time I do this activity I wonder how on earth this is ever going to end up looking like a tree, a waterfall, a cat, or whatever. And every time I start to get frustrated or annoyed, I take deep breaths and tell myself to let go and just trust the freaking process. Nobody is going to judge me on these beginner paintings. Nobody really cares how they turn out. I mean, do you dear reader? Haha. Hell, it’s not like I’m trying to accomplish anything at all with these except to have fun in the moment. To enjoy the journey that is involved in creating something out of nothing. And what do you know?? This shit really does end up looking like a tree or a waterfall or a cat after all is said and done! It’s quite amazing that it does, honestly! 😂

I tried to take this lesson and apply it to other things I worked on during these two weeks. 

After my divorce, I had a goal of never ever having credit card debt again and climbing out of debt. I have made massive improvements in this area and only have $7,000 left in student loan debt. I owe money on the 20 year old LQ horse trailer we got last year. And I’ll eventually need to get a new vehicle. But we have made massive improvements to our property all on money that we have saved and then spent bit by bit as we’ve gone along. And though it’s taking time, the anxiety I used to have around money in my previous marriage has significantly dissipated. Money still makes me anxious, surprisingly similar to the way painting a picture following a video on YouTube makes me anxious. But I’m breathing through it and trusting my process. 

I changed the way I track my expenses a couple of years ago. I now use an app called YNAB. When I made the switch from Mint and an excel spreadsheet to YNAB, I deviated from the way I first did my finances after my divorce. I set up the expense categories in the way that the YNAB folks say to do it. I watched all their videos and tips and followed how many of them do it.

Knowing what I know now about how my brain works differently than others, I decided to go back to trusting my own process and I revamped my categories to the way I did it before. This was a pretty big undertaking as I had to go through all our categories for the past two years when Trevor and I first merged our money.

But already I feel better. I KNOW I can have a better understanding of our financial situation because I was able to do this before. I’m leaning into the confidence that I gained a few years ago and am excited about being able to get back to having a one page summary view of our income and expenses per year the way I had it before. 

Budgeting and painting are just two of the things I’ve been up to these past two weeks. 

Will share again more soon! Be well, my friends! ❤️

ADHD

After sharing with the psychiatric nurse practitioner what brought me to this appointment and answering a series of questions, it seemed pretty obvious to her that my brain functions a bit differently from others and that I exhibit a number of ADHD symptoms. I have learned several new terms and phrases in the last few months such as neurotypical and neurodivergent. I’d never heard those words before. I guess, I’ve been living under a rock for a while now. And I’ve learned many other terms too such as time blindness. Oof, that’s a tough one. It’s one that makes me think so badly about and talk so negatively to myself. But seriously. There are actual names and phrases and definitions for the challenges I’ve had in life! Fucking awesome. 

Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. I thought this phenomenon only occurred in our youth. I thought that it primarily manifested in boys. I thought that by the time one reaches adulthood it’s no longer a thing. Apparently I was wrong. I’ve said in the past that I don’t want to pathologize myself or others. I’ve felt in the past that it doesn’t matter who we are per se and how we got to be who we are but rather what we choose to do going forward.

However, it sure is hella helpful to be able to name our experiences and understand our past to the extent that we may better understand ourselves. The more we know what drives and fuels us and what makes us feel defeated, the more we can learn how to work WITH ourselves and not AGAINST ourselves. To realize that indeed we are all different and there are often multiple paths to get to the same destination. The fact that we can learn how to rewrite our paths to our future literally in our brains is one example of how it can help to know who we are or at least how we behave.

I won’t say how this idea that I might have this disorder came about or rather who brought it up to me except to say that it’s someone very close to me who knows me extremely well. I would share stories of recent goings on in my life and this person would chuckle. I’m over here like why are you laughing at me for forgetting to bring something to work yet again as I share that literally, it’s always a mystery not IF I’ll forget something but WHAT it will be today. This person is like “yo, classic ADHD”. It became a running joke with many a story I would share. Sigh. I said, “Fine. I’ll read it” referring to a book this person recommended called Your Brain’s Not Broken - Strategies for Navigating your Emotions and Life with ADHD.

After I read it, I asked my mom if she would read it too. I asked her if the characteristics described by the author resonated with her at all because I found almost everything being described resonating with me. She said, “no, and it got repetitive so I skipped to the chapters that talked about strategies to help with managing life”. I was quite literally dumbfounded.

Previously, when asked about certain behaviors, I would say, “everyone does this. Everyone experiences these things. We just need to get systems in place to support us such as getting a good planner and writing everything down.” If any of you know anything about me and planners, you may also know that I have a planner graveyard. A location in my home where all the planners that I thought would finally be the thing to fix my life went used for a few weeks to a few months before getting tossed to the side in yet another pile I don’t know what to do with. I also have many a blank bullet journal in preparation for a lot more planning.

(Side note: My digital planner has actually lasted since August 2022, which is super encouraging! I think it’s because I can move things around and erase and redo it as much as I want. This helps make it easier to move to do lists forward more easily and keep my frustrations with other schedule changes at bay. I struggle with messy crossed out stuff in planners and small spaces to write and then just give up on them after a while. Also, there’s the matter of making sure it’s always with me. Digital planners eliminate these problems!!)

Some activities that fall into this category of behaviors that I thought applied to everyone include but are not limited to the following:

• Being paralyzed to do a basic activity of adult life like updating a drivers license address (I still haven’t done this almost 2 years after moving.)
• Leaving your house keys in outside front door key lock or even in your car. (That last one is especially not fun.)
• Forgetting to move wet laundry to the dryer multiple times necessitating multiple rewashes. Then leaving them in the dryer until the next load needs to be moved. Then leaving them in the hamper until time to retrieve clean clothes from it to wear.
• Struggling with procrastinating starting an assignment such as writing a paper and ending up in a state of paralysis for lengthy periods of time prior to a period of extreme hyper focus lasting 12+ straight hours with limited breaks to eat or go to the bathroom
• Forgetting important appointments
• Being chronically late to everything even enjoyable events such as massages or parties
• Missing a bill because it got lost in one of my many piles to be dealt with later. (Later means never really. Let’s be honest.)
• Overdrafting your account because your autopay hit and you forgot to move money into that account. (Thank god for savings account overdraft protection.)

I also learned the term rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I thought I was just a sensitive person, but RSD involves more than just being sensitive. According to the website www.additudemag.com, a site dedicated to educating people about ADHD, RSD is “extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.” Oh this one is a doozy too. 

There are several neuropsychiatric disorders that can include RSD and ADHD is one of them. If you are interested, you can read more about it here. https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/ This article alone describes a lot about who I am and how I function. It says that adults with ADHD often manage their RSD by becoming people pleasers or they stop trying and hide away from potential RSD igniting situations or both.

What it doesn’t include in here is how I, Rebecca, am learning to manage this. If I can get past the negative feelings or at least the initial stages, I can make a conscious choice to face these emotions and fears head on and put them out there in the world for others to see and read about. I mentally fight against the potential embarrassment and judgment in order to share with others what it’s like. I do this because I refuse to stay hidden away curled up in my little ball of shame like I have in the past.

I KNOW I’m not the only one that experiences these feelings. I know this because I DO share. And the more I share, the more people open back up to me. That said, literally everyone I know that has opened up to me has done so privately (with one exception being one particularly “open book” horse friend of mine). They don’t want their business out there in the world for all to see and to be scrutinized by others. They don’t want their kryptonite to find its way into the hands of others to be used against them. I know I run the risk of this happening to me. Once I put something out there on the internet, it is forever available to anyone who wants to use it to harm me.

But, you see, when I keep this stuff balled up inside of me, I harm myself so much more than you, my reader, or anyone else can harm me. I put my metaphorical armor on against my own self attacks best by being bold and daring. I heal myself by standing up and fighting for the support that I need and on behalf of my friends and family members who are fearful of doing the same. I heal myself by sharing what I learn along this journey of life in order to communicate to others that while not everyone is the same, each of us has our own challenges. And now I’m choosing to heal myself by sharing things that have kept me in a cycle of shame and wanting to hide away from the world. 

This metaphorical armor is actually a stripping down of myself for all to see. And by fighting my urge to hide, it actually makes me free…

ADHD comes with many amazing talents and gifts as well. Though I’m talking about some of the challenges here today, I’m fully aware of the gifts that it also brings. My impulsivity led to me switching my career entirely while having two young children at home and going back to school to get an advanced degree. My ability to hyper focus when I want to allowed me to relearn all the basic sciences from my classes 10 years earlier in a matter of months to prepare for and then ace the pharmacy school

entrance exam (PCAT). These gifts along with tactics to make my life easier with my newfound vantage point will be a huge focus of mine going forward. 

I went through periods of skepticism about all of this, then minimization, then denial, then lots of observation, then a realization that ya maybe this is the ticket to a bit of what makes me tick, then anger and annoyance, then sadness and questioning of lost opportunities and missteps and misunderstandings in my previous marriage and with other close relationships had I understood sooner, then acceptance and hope that this awareness of myself will help me more than any book on habits and behaviors ever has before. 

My biggest hope in all of this is by having words to describe some of my characteristics, ways of thinking, and my behaviors I will be able to search out tools to help me with these behaviors. And that these tools will then help me with communicating and improving my relationships with my current husband, my children, my family, my friends, and my coworkers. I have already begun to work on this aspect and my life and my relationships are already so much better for it!!

Here is what I wrote in my notes last week to prepare for my appointment…

I’ve been trying to figure myself out my whole life. Why do I always have a “floordrobe” and a messy and disorganized home even though I want desperately to have a clean home and find peace in a clean environment? Why am I chronically late even to enjoyable appointments like massages? Why am I so unorganized compared to my sister? Why am I so passionate and have such highs and lows? My sister has same many times that she envies my highs but is grateful she never has my lows. The excitement and exuberance I felt for a full two months after running my first half marathon for example is something she has never experienced with all of her life’s accomplishments.

I know I’m not bipolar. Bipolar traits don’t fit me. My highs are not extreme enough to be considered manic and I don’t exhibit manic related behaviors. I also don’t have severe depression lasting for months at a time. But I get incredibly passionate about things and go from zero to 60 in two seconds flat with just about every new passion whether it’s training for a marathon, learning to ride a horse, studying to get into pharmacy school, bodybuilding and more. I deep dive head first into any new shiny object of my passionate affection. And I share anything and everything about said object with everyone around me like it’s the next best thing since sliced bread and how on earth did I not know about it before?!

I’ve had depressive thoughts many times in the past. Only got close to plan development once during my divorce. Otherwise it’s just: why am I like this? Why can’t I do better? How can I be so successful and be so stupid at the same time? Why are we here? What’s it all for? And I go through periods of life feeling like I have no meaning. No purpose. Subscribing to an existential nihilistic point of view rather than my much preferred and more optimistic stoicism and Buddhism philosophical views. Admittedly, seeing a lot of death and suffering at work can make this harder at times. But this isn’t always the initiator of these feelings.

So what is it? Is it ODD and I just a rebel? Good lord. No. I’m incredibly concerned with how others view me and want to be loved. Though I admire those that are able to actually believe the saying “what others think of me is none of my business”. Is it depression? Sometimes yes but never long enough to be considered major or even moderate depression (except perhaps during my divorce). Mild depression? Yes. But it’s usually short lived and I’m able to quickly find a new shiny object in life to focus on and then I’m all in. But inevitably I find that I’m “too much” for people. I overwhelm them with my enthusiasm. And then I have self loathing and want to crawl back into a hole. I thought many times about trying antidepressants but I don’t want to squash the essence of who I am - my personality. And I do not want the potential side effects that come with them or the possibility of side effects coming off of them. I was willing to try Wellbutrin for a little while though years ago. It helped a little. But not enough to be worth remembering to take it daily.

I thought maybe my struggles were from my concussion except these qualities existed before that. I thought maybe the cause was secondary traumatic stress or my shift work and lack of sleep. But these qualities predated my job in the ED and there are many times that I know I’m not severely impacted by trauma. I’ve taken STS tests and the results are minor most of the time (3 drownings in one week on top of traumas and new cancer diagnoses may be the exception). 

I’ve read books on sleep, got checked out for sleep apnea, bought a fit bit. I compared my sleep to my sister’s sleep and mine is actually quite comparable or better (if you base off score and not hours). I was prescribed several sleep medications before ultimately deciding not to take any medications for sleep: these include hydroxyzine, trazodone and ambien. The first two made my memory and focus worse. The second I was hesitant to even try when it was first suggested. I finally agreed to give it a go and got it filled but then never took it and finally threw them out. Too scared of potential side effects and how much it might affect my memory. 

I thought it might be alcohol but many of my traits and behaviors still occur during the times when I’ve been alcohol free. Alcohol makes these focus and memory related behaviors worse though so I hardly drink now.

Sometimes I feel very fractured. I can be a bit impulsive and get super excited in the moment. I then want to share my exuberance with anyone and everyone. This next best thing will then become my hyper focus. Only to dive deep enough to then find out I don’t want to do it or it interferes with my schedule or is too much work or whatever and then it’s on to the next thing.

Friends and family tell me it’s because I have too much going on. And I need to have rest days. And I need to say no to big commitments. The thing is that whenever there is ANY time in my schedule, I instantly fill it. I WILL FILL IT.

The Promise of Spring

After 12 years of working in the ED, I have never witnessed an emergent birth. I came close one cold night in winter some years back when a woman didn’t quite make it out of the ambulance bay to be transferred to an adult hospital before delivering. But I still missed the birth itself. In mentioning my desire to witness a birth to our docs at work, the response I have gotten has not been as enthusiastic. We are a pediatric facility and our physicians are specialty trained to care for babies AFTER they leave the comfort of their mother’s womb and not a second before, let alone the moms. 

I’ve seen the last breaths taken of so many little ones that it dawned on me this week how lovely it would be to see the first. Though I understand where our docs are coming from. It is in the best interest of mom and baby if this process occurs in a place more equipped for deliveries. There is a reason it’s called the miracle of life. And we all want to keep it that way. A miracle. And life.

But ahhhhh, as the weather starts to warm and I’m over the initial hump of some recent revelations into who I am, I’m settling in to the idea of spring and the hope that it always brings.  The days get longer and with it comes more opportunity for me to see sunlight with my vampirish schedule. Pretty soon the smell of orange blossoms will waft through my nose and my amygdala will perk up with fond memories of laying out by a pool or going for runs or rides with friends on trails covered in green sprinkled with purple, pink and yellow flower specks. Yes, even the desert awakens with color in the Spring. 

I rode Arya this week. And though I tweaked my groin, my heart was fueled from the sunshine and her quirky camaraderie. They say you and your animal tend to take on each others’ personalities. I wonder who was quirky first - her or me? (Okay, ya don’t remind me. I know she’s only 7 years old…) Our chicks are growing and will be ready to lay eggs soon. And I’m gearing up to entering a season of growing. 

This blog started as a place to track my bodybuilding journey. My macros. My photos. My physical body measurements. And though I never wanted to acknowledge or admit this before, my friends, I’m here to say it now if you haven’t already figured it out. I’m a starter. I am one who starts things. I love Spring! I love newness! I love novelty. I get bored easily. 

Even from this blog, you can see that. I had a post in 2015. I was all set to blog about endurance riding. That was my first of a number of rides. And that was my only post for 3 years…whomp whomp. 

Then I had one in 2018. It was going to be the first of many blog posts once Tim, our exchange student arrived, and then nothing. Zip. Ziltch. Nada. We did share on social media and I made him a photo book of his year with us. But no more blog posts. What you can’t see here is another blog I started when my kids were younger. I had a handful of posts there. It was titled “A Day I’m the Life of the Roush Family”. Roush being my previous married name…

So when I started this blog….I wondered how long it would keep it up. Would I share it weekly as intended? Would it be just my stats? Y’all know I have too much to say for it to just be that. But I feared it wouldn’t stick.

And I started to drift away from it already a couple of weeks ago. But dang it, I preach that habits and behavior change are about progress not perfection. And frequency of behavior. So here we go. I’m going to practice what I preach for once and keep trying at this blog thing. 

The topics may end up being about anything and everything. But I’m going to practice some sticktoitiveness. I don’t know who made up that “word” but I like it. I still don’t know where this bodybuilding/life journey is going to take me. Your guess is as good as mine. But hey, at least I know there will be adventures along the way!

As the song by Tom Cochrane goes, “Life is a highway. I wanna ride it all night long.” My sis reminded me of that song a few weeks ago and it just makes me smile. Thanks Ruth! Here’s to sticking to it! Now bring on spring and color and warmer days and sunshine and tan lines and smiles!!

Caterpillar to Butterfly

A few weeks ago, a friend and I had the same thought at the same time that I’m like a caterpillar in the process of becoming a butterfly and working her way out of a cocoon. How freaking awesome given that my words of the year ended up being “light” and “fly”? 

But before I go on, let me backtrack to 1.5 months ago…

How is it that someone like me…someone who is in a happy marriage, has two beautiful children, a supportive family, a successful career, and plenty of time for hobbies…how is it that I can find myself curled up in a bed feeling like so forlorn? I knew the feeling would pass. But it just feels so damn desolate and lonely when I am in it.

I don’t always share when I am in this space of sadness. Or I will use vague terminology like “things are hard” or “I’m really struggling” and then stick to myself. My bubbly disposition disappears. I disappear. I don’t want pity from my friends or family. I don’t want to bother them or make them worry even though I desperately want support.

So how is it that I have not yet figured out in my 48 years of life how it even happens that I get to this place where I’ve lost my mental fortitude? My essence? My mojo? My everything is figureoutable attitude?

I don’t yet know the answer. But, damn, after these past few weeks, I sure am a bit closer to figuring it out! And I’m so freaking stoked. One book, one Instagram account, a second book, and many many many conversations later with a couple of family members and several friends who have ADHD and I finally feel like I have some answers. 

I have spent my whole life trying to understand behavior and behavior change. I majored in psychology. Studied drugs…and how they related to the brain and behavior. Even took a class called Drugs, Brain, Behavior. It was my enthusiasm around this class that got my sister interested in becoming a pharmacist. Then I became a pharmacist to learn more. Though this came later. After job, marriage numero uno , and two kids. Read tons of books on and listened to innumerable podcasts on behavior and habit change and neuroscience. 

I know now that all my fascination with behavior change was a coping mechanism to figure out how to get myself to do the things that needed to be done in life. Basic self care. An education. A second education. Climbing out of massive debt. Caring for my health. So many years went by where my hypothyroidism was not controlled or I didn’t even take any medication at all - like years people - and when I was pregnant and a new mom. Talk about exhausting!!!

Now a whole new world has opened up for me where I can understand why some things are just harder for me instead of beating myself up for them. Oh my goodness! I CAN DO hard things. I like a challenge when it’s one that I have some confidence in my ability to be able to meet. I just needed to know WHY these things are hard and have access to tools to help.

And now I do, my friends!!! Now I fucking do. :)

Knowledge is power. And I finally feel like I have some.